I am feeling a bit tired and frustrated today. Tired because I couldn't seem to go to sleep until after 2am. Frustrated because I feel helpless. I had my yearly check up at my doctors yesterday. As he is going through all the fun procedures, he is being more insistent than usual that I get all my tests and check ups done. Finally at the end he tells me that he has two neighbors right now, that live three doors from each other, that both had early stage melanoma and who they had stopped worrying about that now have advanced melanoma. He then tells me that they were doing all the check-ups and tests every six months and missed them anyway. I hear stories like this quite frequently and they always throw me for a bit. So, I now have all my tests scheduled for later this week, and I am sure they will all come back fine. That doesn't take away the dark thoughts that sometimes resurface in my mind. I have that fear that one night I will have a weird pain somewhere and that I will find out that I have cancer spread through my body. I know that I need to be optimistic and usually I am fine. Sometimes I want my kids to hurry and grow up so I know that if that does happen, they will be fine. My problem is that pretty much everyone I know who has cancer has had it return at some point. Huntsman Cancer Institute gave me an 82% chance of facing it again. That doesn't help my optimism much. I am five years out and that is a great milestone. It is stupid really, I know that I could die on my way to take the kids to swimming lessons today. We don't know, so why lose sleep over it? I know this, but my mind doesn't cooperate.
I really think that I just need a nap. For now, I will go get dressed to take kids to said lessons and go from there. How I will manage to run for 55 min. later tonight (stupid triathlon training) will just have to be figured out later.
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